i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
