You just made me feel so damn special
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Randomize
