I showed him my bush... on skype.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
