The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
