I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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