Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
