summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
