I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
