She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
