I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
