It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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