Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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