OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
