I think im going to throw up on grandma
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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