First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You are a genius and a whore.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
