I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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