Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
