I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
people are starting to question the shark bite story
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
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