i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
