What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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