I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
