At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
