I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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