i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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