i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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