Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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