hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
