My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I take back everything I said about communal showers
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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