Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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