I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I touched a dick in church today
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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