I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
