one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
