So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She bit a glass in half.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
