Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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