Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
