Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
