there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
