it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
we should paint friendship bongs
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
