I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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