It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
