Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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