he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
