Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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