I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i was born a porn star she said
handjob tips. give me some.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
