apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
