you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
