U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
