There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
