I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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