I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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