I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
