They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
