....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
