i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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