Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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