There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
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I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
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Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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