Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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