I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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