Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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