just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
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